im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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