I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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