Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
