i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
