12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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