I puked a lego.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
