the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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