I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
