I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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