I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
