You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just had sex on a roof
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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