Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
