I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
