I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
