I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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