I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
