Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
