you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
