Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
