70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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