I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
