Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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