i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
