my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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