I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Im part way to drunk.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
