she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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