He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
