I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
