i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
