I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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