She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
