R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
