this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
