The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
