I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
