His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
