WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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