I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
