I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
