im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
