You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
