is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
