Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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