i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
