So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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