i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
