you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
