so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I feel like a drive thru vagina
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
