Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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