My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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